Friday, May 24, 2013

Just in case you think your life don't seem absurd enough, just check out this latest installment, the episode 4 of a LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON ...

Previous Episodes: #1, #2, #3

The Laconic Chronicle

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Recollecting Jerry Seinfeld's quote, “It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”, a renowned journalist quickly acknowledges that the amount of "real news" each day must be a stochastic variable (something that keeps changing with time) and that suspiciously exact length of newspapers each day obviously implies that: (1) consumers are being supplied with useless drivel like celeb gossip and love-tips on days when nothing much happens; and (2) They have to miss out a lot of details on days when a lot of important developments take place simultaneously because the space is already taken up by celeb gossip and love tips.

Then, he comes up with this unique idea for a newspaper that would carry no ads, rely solely on consumer sales and whose length would vary each day anywhere between 1 - 100 pages according to the amount of useful & relevant news stories that happened. The paper would be reporting on only those stories that are strictly worth reporting branding itself using a concise yet very strict and highly unpretentious editorial policy: "NO BULLSHIT. ONLY NEWS". 

Curry Leaf Weds Mustard Seed

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. The curry leaves and mustard seeds announce their wedding engagement after realizing that they are probably destined to be soul-mates since continuing to run into each other in each and every South Indian meal preparation even after centuries may not be just a mere coincidence any longer but indeed a sign from the universe itself.

Bullets over Blogway

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A mobster who uses blogging as a front to conceal his secret life as a mafia don gets into a heated exchange with some loudmouthed, vainglorious blogger in the comment section over who's actually a true genius music composer - Ilayaraja or AR Rahman. Of course, since no self-respecting blogger likes to back down and settle the issue by reasonably agreeing to disagree with the other, the discussion heats up as the insults traded between them become more and more coarse. Soon, the argument takes a dark turn when the mobster orders the kidnap of his contender's family and threatens dire consequences if he doesn't admit that the mobster was always right.

Not so strange truth about fiction

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Thinking calmly for 5 slow seconds keeping in mind fantasy stuff like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings plus weird what-the-hells from Bollywood in form of Kuch Kuch Hota Hain and Singh is Kinng, makes all of us realize that truth is NO friggin' WAY stranger than fiction and in fact, truth never even really had a good chance against fiction.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. An accomplished modern art painter feels like taking up new challenges, decides to go back to basics, goes to a book-store and gets himself a copy of the "Drawing for Dummies" book.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Oddly this one time, the movie is better than the book. But the movie review is clearly more funnier than the movie itself. However, the review of the book in the newspaper is clearly more perceptive than the review of the movie.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Advanced data science algorithms suggest to Facebook executives that 80% of subscribers are a self-involved, free-loading, posturing bunch of egomaniacs who log into Facebook interested in nothing but unabashed self-promotion about their clothes, blogs & babies and basically don't give a damn about buying anything from the internet or even possess the slightest decency to once in a while click on a side ad for basic courtesy in exchange for all that Facebook is doing in terms of connecting them with hundreds of friends. An insecure Facebook running out of ideas to get normal people to respect it removes it's birthday-reminder feature by declaring, "We are no longer keen to remember your friend's birthdays unless you click on an ad once in a while. What do you think? We are running a free service here?"
Fractal Romance

Awww ... :)

A Tsunami of hope

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A budding graduate student conducting research on explaining the hydrodynamics and the physics of how tsunamis occur has been spending months over months for now, feeling hopeless that none of his ideas and models are not working and repeatedly questioning why the hell did he even sign up for doing a PhD. But soon, fortunes began changing for him very soon  when a video-game company trying to build one of those "Shoot everyone you see with an assault rifle. There's a Tsunami coming" games becomes interested in his math equations which although they are completely detached from real-life physics, do help generate super-cool computer graphics simulating a cartoon Tsunami. He then quits his PhD, becomes rich from the royalties and quickly becomes a self-help book author touring around university campuses giving commencement speeches:

Movie hard work hardly works ...

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. One thing I am not going to do is try hard to "appreciate" movies. No, I am not going to "check out" because it's an indigenous Sci-Fi film from apna Bollywood or because the director is trying something different. I am not going to laugh at this Bollywood bum of a hero wearing a lipstick, putting on a red thong and acting out a demeaning impression of a respectable pole-dancer's night job as his mother walks on him right on that moment -  all because I was told it's supposed to be funny. No, I shall not be coerced into liking a movie because all people who cleared a particular competitive engineering entrance exam are expected to like it. No, I am not going to see the movie because the protagonists are actually dating each other on Saturday nights. No, I am not going to sit in a theater to judge if a porn star can pass off as a mainstream heroine (May be, I will log on to a porn site to check out the sex-tape of a mainstream actress but … but that's not my point here). I am not going to see the movie because it’s based on real life story. No, I am not going to enjoy a movie for the songs, music or dance or the background score or the scenery. No, I am not going to leave my brain outside the theater and stop thinking just to paisa vasool my ticket money. And certainly, I am not going to go because the hero belongs to the same unfortunate gene pool as me. Also, I am not going to go back to 1970s to imagine how at that time, the director was bold enough to discuss a highly controversial topic or travel back to 1990s to appreciate the ingenious special effects to show aliens that were one-of-a-kind at that time. All that matters to me in a movie is how I feel about it now in 2013 not how it was ahead of it's time in 1966 or simulate in my head how the movie will age better like wine by 2040.

Look, if it's a dumb movie, it's a dumb movie. Period. We shouldn't be rationalize that the money I forked out for a dumb movie is actually a smart thing we did. Relationship with movies shouldn't be anymore complicated. You pay the money. You feel the way you feel. Peace out.


purnima said...

well I think that the artist may buy the book titled drawing for dummies if he happens to be hit by a very strong iron rod and survives like surya or aamir khan in ghajini then he would like to take new challenges every 15 minutes.

Flawsophy said...

@purnima : haha ... that's an even a better creepy scenario that is "NOT GONNA HAPPEN"... :) said...

Dear blogger friend,

We take this opportunity to inform you that your blog has been listed in the Directory of Best Indian Blog, 2012-13 edition.

We have been bringing out this Directory since 2011 and the present one is its third edition.

If you are hearing of ITB for the first time and are curious about it, you might like to see our blog selection criteria and the process we follow for selecting blogs for this Directory on

We don't know how much you care for your blog’s listing, but we assure you that we work hard to select blogs for the Directory. ITB badges on hundreds of Indian blogs are a testimony of the trust bloggers pose on us.

Our hearty congratulations on your maintaining a quality blog, and we wish that your blog reaches new heights.

Best wishes!

IndianTopBlogs team


1. If you have any reservations about your blog's inclusion in the Directory, do email us and we’d remove your blog from our listing.

2. If you feel like, do place ITB badge on your blog. It is purely voluntary but we are sure it will add value to your blog in terms of reputation, popularity and position on search engines.

3. We have started a blogging community in Google Plus, with a few members to start with. We intend to make this community a place to exchange ideas about the craft of blogging. The Indian blogging community will benefit if you agree to join the G+ community page. Joining is very simple: Kindly go to the URL given below, join / sign in to Google Plus and click on 'ask to join'.

4. We are posting this message here as we could not find your email ID on the blog. Or did we miss it?

Sash! said... Thanks for reading my blog and recommending it to others. I will join the community on G+ ...

Post a Comment

Go Ahead. Blurt it out ...


Copyright 2010 F L A W S O P H Y .