It's all fine
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A documentary is released that says the world is just fine, that there is no need to worry about the future, that it will all work itself out when the right time comes and that the people are worrying because of expecting too-much-too-soon from a species of marginal intellect.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A really indecisive man is unable to come up with anything he wants when a genie appears and grants him a wish. He says the same answer he always gave his friends when asked what he wants to eat: "Anything is fine". The genie chooses arbitrarily and grants him the super-power of a strong sense of smell … you know, like a dog !!!
Poetry of life
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A scientific minded guy who keeps saying, "Everything in universe happens by pure chance and human emotions are nothing but chemical reactions involving neuro-transmitters and dopamine" is ganged up on and trashed by his anti-war, anti-violence artist friends for ruining the poetry of life.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Sustainability becomes sexy. Finally making the connection between the action movies glorifying violence while ensuring that the macho hero wins the girl as a prize at the end for killing the bad guys and the climatic and ecological horrors perpetrated by a male-centered economy and the male "bigger, longer, faster" mindset, a new wave of feminism based on sustainable living sweeps across the globe. All the ladies jump in on this massive revolution seeing Mother Earth's health as a women rights issue and take it even to the fanatical point of discouraging romantic interests with those engaged in unsustainable lifestyles:
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A vile, horrible young man who was hated by everyone for he spent his high-school and college years bullying his classmates, casting sketchy remarks at girls and disrespecting his teachers suddenly undergoes a spiritual transformation in his early twenties into a soft-spoken, decent human being after he starts losing hair and the rapidly accelerating male-pattern baldness sharply reduces his self-confidence to continue being a prick.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Altavista makes a comeback as world’s leading search engine. Someone sells an Amway-type pyramid scheme marketing model to Google and it retires happily becoming a union leader taking care of advertising for all the road-side street-vendors around the world. Meanwhile, Facebook opens a web-based passport photo service.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A sage (rishi) curses me with the most horrible curse possible because I disturbed him from a deeply engrossed meditation after I accidentally strayed into the premises of his idyllic hermitage whistling a Justin Beiber song.
The consistent life
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A self-help best-seller book advocates an extreme form of rationalism and argues that the truly rational people will always choose to act consistently all their lives without having to flip-flop on issues, apologize for their past actions, always making decisions according to the same unbending, unflinching moral code all through from cradle to grave to ensure that others will never get a chance to point a finger at them and say, "But when you were young, you did all kinds of stuff, but now you want others to follow your rules unwaveringly. You should have practiced what you preached". The book also outlines the two possible personality types that fit perfectly the above criteria of truly rational person:
- BE SOMEONE WHO NEVER DOES ANYTHING AT ALL because a man who does nothing makes no mistakes and the one who makes no mistakes never apologizes.
- BE AN UNABASHED, OUT & OUT, SELF-INDULGENT JERK (work this one out).
Free Speech Day
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. The government designates a day in year as a "Free-Speech Day". That day you can say anything you want to anyone you want and it's totally legal.
If only everyone will listen to me ...
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A world-wide problem-solving conference organized with the theme "If only everyone will listen to me … " to discuss the strategies for fixing the world is attended by a large number of socially responsible, well-intentioned intellectuals including mathematicians who brought concrete proofs to make the case for altruistic cooperation, extreme extroverts who think that if every one knew everyone, none of these problems would exist in first place, environ-activists who are convinced that banning all the plastic spoons is a good place to start the healing process, free-trade economists to raise awareness that nothing must disturb Ivory Coast or the world will run out of chocolate, religious people who are just there to prove that atheists are "technically religious" because they after all do believe in something, windy, sunny, non-oily anti-consumerists, misanthropic pessimists who are largely inspired by a combination of Schopenhauer & Nietzsche and so on. The conference ends with a unanimous recognition of an old, unaltered stalemate - "getting everyone to listen to one idea takes a lot of money which none of us have".
Meanwhile, a capitalist somewhere is praying to a portrait of Charles Darwin …