Wednesday, October 03, 2012

There's smoke and there's fire

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A dude takes one of those anti-smoking messages in movies very seriously and takes a drastic decision, "THIS IS IT. I QUIT SMOKING."



Sound of music

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. You think there is ever a chance that a couple divorce and in the agony of the split, both of them simultaneously release two melodious break-up songs which go on to become #1 on the charts making them huge stars. And in the light of their new found success, their agents see a lucrative opportunity for a joint-stage concert after which they reconcile their differences and remarry.  

Not even hot-cakes sell like hot-cakes

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. For 10 years straight, not a single batch of freshly-made hot cakes sell at all. This leads to English teachers around the world refusing to teach the idiom "sells like hot cakes” to children anymore.

We don't need no education

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. All children will be treated equal even if they are born to ambitious parents with middle-class insecurities.

  • No extra tuitions.
  • No study hours.
  • No emphasis on grades and progress cards.
  • No academic comparison with fellow classmates.
  • No entrance-exam foundation coaching.
  • No summer camps.
  • No public speaking or personality-enhancement workshops.
  • No math, spelling bee or science Olympiad tutoring.
  • No IQ tests.
  • No mandatory music lessons.
  • No soccer practice.
  • No play-only-if-you-study schemes.
  • No compulsory art lessons.
  • No concentration-improvement drugs or vitamin supplements.
  • No someone else's dreams.
  • No green vegetables.
  • No restriction on comic books or cartoon network times.
  • More toys
  • More Bournvita.
  • Brushing and Bathing optional.
Let's sell away quality on the market

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. The stock-exchanges around world adopt "A Quality-based Global Stock Market" where a company's worth and value is constantly traded rated for based on the overall quality of their service to humanity and the planetary ecosystem at large as opposed to self-serving monetary based stock exchanges we have around the world. 

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Someone cracks a truly funny rape joke.
The case of missing ice-cream

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. An fully-grown adult male snatches a whole ice-cream cone from a 4-year old kid at a state-fair when no one is watching but the kid doesn't cry and instead, instantly uses the opportunity to muse about "how life is not about what we took but what we have given to others".

Fashion Statement

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. One fine day, I totally understand what fashion supermodels mean by, "It's not the looks but it's your attitude on the ramp" - all over a cup of hot chocolate. Wouldn't that be amazing ?

Cash Crops
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. There comes a day when trees adopt under evolutionary pressure to start growing money. This immediately prompts humans to stop felling trees. In fact, we go on to plant many more of them. In matter of a decade, the air is cleansed. The planet is purified. All the life-forms on this planet peacefully dance the dance of life. The circle of life is restored. Endangered species are no longer becoming extinct. In fact, new species are being created each day as unlikely pairs of species experience mating attraction as their political views tend to lean ultra-liberal in such a booming ecological economy. Birds are always chirping, the frogs are always croaking gently, sun-flowers keep winking  at the sun and nothing ever changes for the happy, fluttery butterfly. There is always a rainbow in the sky. Always a rainbow.

There is one problem though: humanity is still battling hunger and poverty as we replaced all fertile lands where food crops once grew with the kind of trees that grow the money. So, we still don't have enough food to eat. Now, that's we call a good CASH-CROP.

Unidentified flying object

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. A frozen-dry vertebrae of what seems to be that of a larvae of an insect will be found on the Mars' mission sparking world-wide speculation about extra-terrestrial life. Further studies quickly conclude that it was a earth-based cockroach that sneaked into a space vehicle from an earlier mars mission and escaped out on the Martian surface only to die miserably because of lack of oxygen. No talk about any official funeral arrangements for the poor thing.
World Humanity Day

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. United Nations (UN) nominates a hot, humid summer day as "World Humanity Day". In its beta-testing phase, it is  designed as a day of experimental utopia on which:

(A) All labor-force from CEO of a Fortune 500 company to the 8-year old Congo kid mining for tin ore with his tiny hands is paid fairly and fully for the work they have done while ensuring clean, safe and non-hazardous environments.
(B) Every business transaction in the world is free of exploitation while including an "acceptable" amount of profit.
(C) All around the world, a good, agreeable set of human rights are effectively enforced all the time.
(D) Humanity accepts it's position in the planetary eco-system with alacrity and starts proactively taking care of the environment and biosphere around.

While the day opens with a lot of enthusiastic fan-fare and media coverage, the stock markets around the world rapidly plunge down because of over-bearing expenses required in not violating any human, animal or environmental regulations causing a great deal of commotion and discomfort among the top 1%. A few hours later, on the insistence of the Fortune 500 companies, United Nations declares that it is too early a time for our species to try this dangerous experiment and officially recognizes in its charter that "differentiating human beings, taking liberty with the natural ecosystems and exploitation of animals is not only necessary but also imperative to create a healthy competitive environment for progressive economic growth and globalization".



Twilight Musings said...

LoL @ hot cakes.
Is it too much to hope that English teachers stop teaching "warm welcome" is a "good" thing in South India? And "cold shoulder" is a bad thing in 30C classroom?

Btw, welcome to 'unschooling' or 'free-range kids'. So, may be that is happening.

Sash! said...

ha ha ... you do give me new ideas for the next episode ... :)

unschooling, free-range ? hmm ... i hope that the parents take it down a notch ... that's all ... it's just that last time I went to my home-town, the cricket ground I spent my school days had WILD plants. WILD PLANTS!!! I just hope kids play a little outside ... (i sound like the favorite uncle who comes over once in a while and pampers the child and goes away) :-)

purnima said...

i love the idea of money plantation i dont want that idea in not happening list of things because if it happens the next time you are back to the cricket ground you will not see wild plants but would see kids playing in bigger stadiums with great infrastructure.

Twilight Musings said...


Where can I email you? Is your NCSU active?

Sash! said...

... my ncsu is active ... sure !!!

VijayKrishna said...

This is a great idea. Keep the list growing.

Post a Comment

Go Ahead. Blurt it out ...


Copyright 2010 F L A W S O P H Y .