Friday, July 20, 2012

A LIST OF 13 THINGS THAT ARE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON ...

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A headline that reads, "B-School graduate acts in time and saves the economy from recession."

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An Indian Premier League (IPL) star cricketer has a dream that tells him, "this is bulls**t … all the money, girls and the bright lights is not why I started playing cricket as a kid … I am going to answer the higher call which is to play test cricket. That is my destiny." And while he listens to the voice in his head and quits all the IPL super stardom only to be never again selected for the test squad by BCCI due to insubordination.

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I find everything I ever lost a.k.a. "good things happen to good people and bad things to bad ones".

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Someone patents the concept of "Paid News" a.k.a "Yellow Journalism" and all the media franchises surprisingly merge into one huge conglomerate declaring bankruptcy for failing to pay the associated royalties.

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Commenting on the enormous popularity of iPhones, Apple Inc., declares that shopping is no longer an achievement as there is no need for anyone to feel they are unique in buying a product that everyone else also bought. Later in the day, the same Apple spokesman issues a clarification that he "was only kidding" and that all the "fanboys can go to sleep at night peacefully". He even wishes them "sweet dreams".



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Taliban scientists searching for the 72 raisins in Heaven stumble upon the secret energy sources that power the high-temperature fires and boiling oils being used to treat the infidels in Hell and solve the national energy security problems of Afghanistan. Of course, there's still no food to eat in the country.

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The biggest culinary scam of the millennium: Starbucks' Iced coffee will be rechristened as "Coffeed Ice" - just to reflect the truth more accurately.

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Manhood will be officially identified by the National Institute of Health as an disease. Typical symptoms, among many others, include: constant peering into one's own innerwear every 30 seconds for strictly verification purposes, desperate attempts to showoff his superiority among friends and colleagues, taking oneself too seriously, serial argumentative behavior, egotistical urge to enter comparison contests with every object that moves, repulsive levels of ambition, greed and a distinctive lack of sense of humor. Till then, beware of this horny, macho, metrosexual alpha-type commander-in-chief.

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Believe it or not but a first-generation cell phone actually bags the best cellphone-apps award. The winning entries are:

(i) The "Don't waste your time and pay attention to the surroundings, you moron" app for its contributing to increase the IQ of its user;

(ii) The "Lose me anytime for I am worth only $10" app for its decidedly low replacement costs.
 
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A young politician attempts skydiving to impress the teenage girls demographic.


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A mainstream Bollywood movie is produced in which:

(a) the hero's profession is something useful like an engineer as opposed to something queer like a fashion photographer; 

(b) the heroine picks her nose in the middle of an song-dance number; 

(c) a story whose premise is that love between two ridiculously good-looking people is way overrated.

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An economist correctly predicts something useful and that too, in advance.

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One final thing that is never going to happen is that the media altogether takes partial responsibility for all crimes against women. The media's conscience is pretty thick in this regard - they have no qualms whatsoever about hiring women to play the role of desirable sex objects, constantly bombarding us with titillating images, jeering and mocking our mediocre sex-less existence for lacking acceptably sufficient levels of promiscuity. They ram that soft-porn down our throats every day, each day, all through the whole year using billboards, advertisement campaigns, movie plot-lines, page-3 spreads, tabloid sections, newspaper web-links etc. They offer unsolicited advice to women on how to please their man and for men on how to get what they want. They tell the girls to wear what they should, drink how much they can - because that's "culture" and that's "freedom of expression" and yet, when a rape happens in broad daylight, they are going get out of it upon a technicality: "Hey,
can't you read the 'DO NOT TOUCH' sign, you pervert? We only commanded you to stare, not seek ... ". Back to business as usual, the very media will even be proud that they managed to capture that up-skirt picture of the scantily-clad women who are protesting against rape in a slut-walk - all for a cheap year-end bonus. Their real worry is that women might start actually feeling less safe on streets and get a little less overcautious - such a world is against their doctrine. They want the friction (between the sexes) to last. They are going to even plan and plant it. The mother of all ironies is that they will even presume that they have the right to pontificate if the world is "safe for women". I don't mind my animal instincts but at least I am not judging anyone using a microphone, make-up and a camera.  Next time, as we ask the poor girl to be a little more responsible next time, can we ask the debauched media to assume some goddamn responsibility?


 

4 comments :

Rohan said...

"An economist correctly predicts something useful and that too, in advance." was ultimate! And I agree with you.. Waiting for episode 2 now!

purnima said...

i dont think it would be far off for the bollywood to make a movie as u quoted they may add a caption to such a movie as "a different lovestory" and dont worry the item number step of picking up the nose would also bag an award for the choreographer bcoz the present item numbers show only how to apply a zandu balm so this will be a different thing.

Rajyalakshmi Vathyam said...

oh, how I wish at least one of them come true!!! but if the last one happens, it's a dream come true!!!!

Sash! said...

@rohan: thanks ... :)

@purnima: epic ... you are absolutely right ... they will sell a love-story in which the actors never met each other and but in the end shoot each other when they actually have to be with one another.

@rajya: let's keep wishing .. don't stop believing ... :)

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