New Year and the Law of Large Numbers

Folks, lets cut to the chase. I present to you a simple question: How was your 2011? Do you rate it as :

1. Below average
2. Average

3. Above average

If you want me wish you a happy 2012, it means I also have to wish you a crappy 2011. According to the holy laws of probability, The LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS indicates that if you had a "below average year" in 2011, there is a very good chance (probability = 67%) that you will have an above average year soon so that the average is maintained. So, if you are going through a lean (below average) period, soon things have to get better soon hopefully in the next year just for the sake of the average, if not for you (It's not personal ... It's math !!!). Now, did you have a bad 2011? If so, no amount of bittersweet love from certain someone can stop you from a wonderful 2012. So, rock away, all-my-dear-friends-who-had-had-an-utterly-forgettable-2011. But, if you think, 2011 was awesome and wonderful or according to the vocabulary of the sacred texts of probability, "above average" - you might have to curb your enthusiasm soon. Now, don't complain for it has to even out, after all.

(You are free to pounce upon me for this ridiculous logic. Take it away, nerds)

While on some rational days, I let mathematics decide how my days and years are going to be but, there is this creative side to me ... the dark side, if you will … a side which perceives the dimension of time as a relative phenomena like a non-linear arrow whirring alongside the emotional quality of my life experiences … it races when I am having a good laugh; it is reluctant to budge when I have to write my PhD thesis and refuses to go back when I jump a traffic signal and the cop catches me … I seem feeble to control time now … it is refusing to commit to a mere calendar … it's taking over me now … I feel weak. And vulnerable …  I don't believe the New Year actually. Oh! DO NOT get me wrong. It's not that I don't consider new year worth celebrating - I leave that debate to other pseudo-intellectuals. It's just that, deep down, I don't feel it's the new year yet. And, at this moment, I don't prefer to get my truth from your lame calenders, thanks to my artistic sensibilities. In the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, lurk the ghosts and shadows of all years gone by. In fact, It took me a long time to accept 2011 and guess what, I still have some hangovers of 1995 - when I am now quietly sneaking out the house from the hind bathroom door to play street-side cricket having surreptitiously placed my dismal 7th grade quarterly exam progress report  to be attested by my parents, not wanting  to ruin a good day's game just because I bombed in the insignificant geography exam ...

I guess somethings are going to get only worse like we had Walmart introduce a line of anti-aging makeup cream for 8-year olds but some things will remain exactly the same like Carbon will remain the sluttiest element of the periodic table and will continue to do interesting and entertaining things with it's BFF (Best Friends Forever) - Hydrogen.

FLAWSOPHY personally wishes you (pick any three but mix-n-match as you please) a {wonderful; romantic; handsome; prosperous; peaceful; godly; wet; gifted; adventurous; horny; demystifying; lucky; jus'safe-&-sound(if you are aiming low)} … HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

Cheers.

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A Dick-tator's Dilemma

PROLOGUE:

North Korean legend has it that Kim Jong Il was born on Mount Paekdu, one of Korea's most cherished sites, in 1942, a birth heralded in the heavens by a pair of rainbows and a brilliant new star.

He died on 17th December, 2011 while riding a train.

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You do realize that the son of the just dead North Korean dictator has no choice but to be a crazy lunatic. Don't you? Let me put forth my usual flawless logic to prove the same.

1. If he has the slightest humanity, that slight weakness of compassion and holds back the crazy, there are enough people pissed  off with his dad that he is going to be right away pounced upon, overturned by some disgruntled cook in the military canteen or worse, bumped off. So, he cannot hold back the oppression or start being a normal human without let going off his power or the way of life.

2. He can try being a nice guy, install democracy and beg forgiveness from people but that's like shocking the system. Any country must have a transition. The people aren't even trained to deal with reality at the moment let alone govern themselves.  That's like locking a bunch of monkeys with typewriters to put together a Shakespearean sonnet in one night - the last time we tried it, the room required a lot of cleaning just because of what the monkeys ate. The idea is just suicidal unless has no problem being a homeless civilian in a South Korean based old age home.

3. The real whack part is that he can't even emulate the tactics of his dad. He is in his late twenties. There are a lot of people who have been watching every move of his dad's  for decades now - sorry dear, the same tricks may not work. Thus, he not only has no choice to be a violent dictator but also has to crank up the crazy in his own creative way. Now, you see what pressure is it to be Kim Jon Un?

It's a point of no return. The ultimate irony of all is that with the kind of legacy his dad left him, he has no option but be a mental dictator killing and starving millions just to maintain his life. Eat that.

You had had to be the nut to win this thing in the first place. FOR THOSE WHO CARE, just refer to the story of how the third son got the throne in the critical elimination round:

Kim Jong-il's former personal chef, Kenji Fujimoto, revealed details regarding Kim Jong-un, with whom he shared a good relationship,stating that he is favored to be his father's successor. Fujimoto also claimed that Jong-un was favored by his father over his elder brother, Kim Jong-chul, reasoning that Jong-chul is too feminine in character, while Jong-un is "exactly like his father". Furthermore Fujimoto stated that "If power is to be handed over then Jong-un is the best for it. He has superb physical gifts, is a big drinker and never admits defeat."

SOURCE WIKIPEDIA  <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Jong-un>

What say?

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The Language of Shopping - Episode 1

1. Friends, it has come to my attention that they are now selling "Vegetarian Eggs".

Now, I don't have my own cooking TV show nor have I ever authored any best-selling cookbooks. But, I can assure you that the concept of "Vegetarian Eggs" is pure grade-AA nonsense. If you take the world's worst botanist and inject illegal amounts of crack into him and then pop the question, even he would find it outrageous to conclude that the egg-shaped object resembles some vegetable family. It is clearly not a vegetable even if God endorses it. Ok?

But, you see the marketing wizards call them "Vegetarian Eggs" because …. hah, hah, hah … they fed the chickens vegetarian feed. Since when did we start caring what our food ate? How the hell is a vegetarian life-style of the chicken whose cloaca popped my egg (That's right, bitches. It's "cloaca" - look it up !!!) supposed to make the egg vegetarian? In fact, Why go only 1 level down? If we go 4 levels down, we are eating earthworms for dessert. I bet that thought is even more comforting.

2. Cell phone companies must stop using logic like, "Talk more to save more". First of all, if I waste all the time doing more small talk with people I am not interested in, when will I earn enough money to afford this ridiculous cell-phone plan to save more later. As you can see, the goddamn thing is already dead-on-arrival. Trust me. There are reports coming in that people are turning to infidelity, making new acquaintances just because they have extra talk-time on their monthly contract. I know it's all good for business but what will happen to the moral compass of our generation if this trend goes out of line? Someone like me needs to step up to question all this.

Talk More to Save More? - When did our criteria for cellphone consumption change from maximizing personal convenience to minimizing call charges per minute?


3. I love the Kohl's store with all their saving coupons but I think they really nailed it in this ad:

In this case, you $15 "Kohl's Cash" for every $50 actual cash you spend. Observe the tagline that says, "THERE IS NO LIMIT TO HOW MUCH YOU CAN EARN". and notice how they have equated "spending for goods" to "earning super-shopper points".  When business interests can courageously imply "SPENDING" by using its very antonym "EARNING", I immediately realize that we are entering an interesting phase in history and I just want to say that I am glad to be alive in this time and age.


EPILOGUE:
If you thought marketing is all about taking fresh horse-manure, sprinkling some glittered perfume on it and then enclosing it in a transparent designer container and charging you for the perfume and the container, you are getting only part of the story. Marketing people want more from you than you thinking that they are full of shit. They are not done with you yet. What they want is you to be tired of thinking that they are full of shit. When you are fed up, when you stop paying attention to their noise, that’s when you start taking them for granted and you start ignoring them. And that's when they can flood you with over-choice. That's when they get away with selling anything. That's when you start shopping without properly processing information. That's when start getting what they want. BINGO-BANGO. (Also refer: "confusopoly")

Keep visiting this section as we unearth more shopping scandals in future episodes.

Finally, a word from our production team (just making it sound official for this obvious marketing ploy) :

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you "Like" us on Facebook and also check out our twin blog - "flawsophy-evil twin edition" for continued enlightenment.

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Silly Points : Episode 9

THE MOST HONEST TV CHANNEL

Hello, I am F-TV. I show creatively-covered pretty girls all day long. Simple, honest and direct programming when you find yourself in the simplest of moods wanting the most simple things in life. If you aren’t the type who likes checking out the latest shoe trends, we still might have something else for you.

No trying to sell you anything. No sensationalism. No loud music to attract your attention. No script. No pretension. No reality TV. No joking. No BS.

What’s inside is what’s outside - all puns intended. Enjoy your stay. 


A MASOCHIST VISITS HEAVEN

This is dedicated to all those religious people left in this world who are aspiring to go to heaven. I have a question about heaven if it's actually an attractive post-life destination. Firstly, I hope that you agree that a reasonable definition of heaven is that it is a land of eternal happiness - where everyone is always, always happy with no other options. Now, allow me to indulge you why I think that is a suspicious state of mind.

If we are always happy, then we have all we ever wish and desire, then there is nothing left to do and nothing to crave and nothing to act upon - because we have EVERYTHING !!! Suppose, you wish to have an ice-cream. On earth, you have to actually take your car out and make sure you have your driving license and registration are in proper order. Then, you have to drive carefully following the lame traffic rules just to avoid the horror of speaking to an insurance agent. Then, you enter the damn store and you have 86 flavors to choose from. As you can see, the whole ordeal of buying an ice-cream itself is a painful undertaking that any reasonable definition of happiness must avoid all these constraints. In heaven, a mere thought of an ice-cream would probably result in flashing lights, sparkles and lo, the ice-cream magically appears. At this rate, there is nothing people need to do. Soon, we would find even thoughts being painful. And since all kinds of pain are strictly banned in heaven, we will not be allowed any thoughts even. So, now we are someone who have no desires and thoughts to act upon. Our minds are still and blissfully resting in peace forever. In other words, we are exactly like dead people. Therefore, I seriously doubt if anyone wants to be "eternally happy" !!!

You see? Happiness must have separation as a prerequisite. We need to be separated from the thing that is going to make us happy so that when we get it, we feel good. The way I look at it, heaven and hell are metaphors for our emotional states of happiness and misery respectively. Our mythology and religions identify them as physical places representing the extremes but they are nothing more than symbols. We experience "heaven" when we get the ice-cream and "hell" when your car is towed because you took too much time in deciding what flavor of ice-cream to get. With this concept in mind, let me interest you in a B-grade definition of life - "A constant subway ride between the two terminals - heaven and hell".

You see my problem? I don't know what part of understanding heaven am I getting wrong but it probably has something to do with shallowly equating happiness and ice-cream.


TISSUE PAPER ADS

I have never seen an ad for a toilet tissue paper in my life. Did you? I don't know what the future will be but not once so far have I come across a commercial on TV nor heard one on the radio nor ever saw one of those full page ads in newspapers that tell me the benefits of one brand of toilet tissue over others. Why is that? Some people might argue that products that are miraculous and those which deeply affect our civilization's standard of living needn't have a marketing campaign and that they can sell themselves. The Google search engine is a top notch example in this category. Something as useful as Google is easily spread through word of mouth - no need to spend any money to constantly remind people. Well, there is some sense in this line of argument to explain the lack of ad space for the toilet paper industry.

I feel there is another huge reason. It is really hard to get models to endorse a bathroom tissue. Between you and me, it won't make a great resume point. Plus, it is not at all easy to perfectly gesticulate an expression that conveys the sublime satisfaction derived from using a given brand of toilet paper. Actors with such kind of prowess are usually better off making Oscar speeches thanking their mothers and insane amounts of crazy good-luck in their lives.

How desperate must "Charmin" have been IF they hired a cartoonish bear ? 

A MUSE ON SNORING

All things remaining same, do you think a person with a habit of snoring burns more calories than a person who doesn’t snore?

I mean, because of the continuous sound energy emanating for about 7 hours every night? - The energy for the snoring must come from somewhere inside. Right? Given the current state of economy, I guess it will be insensitive to fund research like this, when people are struggling to put food on the table. It’s really sad to see our curiosities and freedoms crumbling like this because of a bunch of bank employees.

On a totally separate subject, "‘coz he/she snores too loud !!!" has to be shallowest reason in history of humanity for breaking up with someone if it were to happen. What say?

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