The Vaguest Valediction

Do you realize that "Have a good one" is as vague as it can get when it comes to wishing anyone farewell ? "Have a good one" specifies nothing ... absolutely nothing. What could "one" be ? It could be anything you want. Is that flexible enough for you? If you want to have a good morning. So be it. If you don't want to limit yourself to just a morning but insist on having a good, whole day, you got it, my friend. Although, I think it's downright greedy to expect that I wish you have a good full year, but I know I am being generous when I said, "Have a good one". It reminds of Jerry Seinfeld's routine on blank greeting cards:

Yeah. Who knows what hell will break loose if we wish someone "Have a good day". Right? Better not take a risk and just say, "Have a good one".

Contrary to the popular opinion, It’s way better than those lame "Have a good time" or "Good Luck". You can even wish "Have a good one" to a freshly married couple or someone who is about to run a marathon or someone who is about to go to the court for being a crime suspect. It works for nearly every situation and perfectly conceals our intentions. I might be a twisted persona in many ways, but if something can be used in the context of both marriage and a criminal law suit, I think it's VERSATILE !!! It’s the most ideal valediction for our current society which aims for "one-size-fits-all" solutions in everything like a cell phone which can select clothing, send work E-mail, order pizza and post your infidelity location / schedule on social networks right away (that is, if you forget to turn off your notifications … ouch !!! ). 

And the best part is it makes you look super-cool. Being cool these days is all about subtly proclaiming that you don't care about anything or anyone at all. "Have a good one" is the one valediction that accomplishes it with amazing ease. If you don't believe me, just say "Have a good one" and "Have a nice day" to the same person back-to-back and observe which one is cooler. I rest my case.

In fact, vote me into public office and I promise that I will take the vagueness of political rhetoric to greater heights by over-using "Have a good one" to everyone especially to those poor farmers.

Have a good one, folks.

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Something that brought tears ...

I recently saw this video where AR Rahman was interviewed at the GQ Man of the Year Awards 2011.

(Roll over to 0:50)

Journalist: Sir. Welcome, Sir. Who will become the man of the year for you ?

AR Rahman: Man of the year for me is Anna Hazare.

Journalist: ok … [awkward pause]  Also, sir. "Rockstar" is coming up. We really can't stay away from asking about "Rockstar" …

The funniest part about the above exchange is the awkward pause of the interviewer and that all he could mutter was just "ok …" before quickly changing the subject. The journalist seemed truly taken aback by the Rahman's answer of Anna Hazare. Of course, the answer has an unmistakable cynicism and (probably) deliberate sarcasm. Now, I don't want to have a discussion on whether Rahman truly meant it or if it's a good PR strategy. Either way, that's a move of a frickin' wicked genius, as far as I am concerned.  I mean, to have the nerve to bring up some over-the-hill social worker fighting for rights of the middle class on an awards night sponsored by an up-scale fashion magazine is classy satire.

Of course, Anna Hazare was not even nominated. What do you expect? He has no chance. First of all, he wouldn't look good in a suit, so they wouldn't have let him into the club anyway. Forget the six packs, this guy doesn't even have the basics of hygiene right. He wants to stop eating for country's sake.  Simply put, that guy is nuts. After all, it was a night when the rich and the beautiful have promised to remove themselves from all reality and dutifully fist-bump and congratulate each other for being consistently awesome every day for one full year without taking a single break. It's hard to awesome. Ok ? Normal people like us may not understand. That's where the media is constantly trying to help us country bumpkins be better in life.

Seriously, the way journalist dismissed away Rahman's answer is incredible.  It's really sad that he had nothing to acknowledge. I mean it was the most interesting answer of the night. Check out this video to see how every other celebrity awarded themselves to be the "man of the year" proving the lameness of their big fat egos.  Rahman sir's answer did bring tears into my eyes. The  media just doesn't care. Forget articulating a decent response, they don't even feign a passing interest in the issues of the common man if they cannot make them any money. Wanna know a simple reason why the media has no reason to care? The poor and middle class is not good-looking and photogenic for the camera. Ok? The media is usually all about masking their intentions with pretty faces. So, we are all useless that way. Moreover, the poor have no jobs and consistently represent all sadness and misery of humanity. It's all negative outlook and disruptive of a perfectly happy day they are having by selling cell-phones and cola drinks.

This somehow reminds me of what revered journalist P Sainath said once:

For media leaders, the lives of ordinary people make no sense in their economic calculations and rationale. They can't buy the products these people are selling. So what interest is their life to the media owners. We had this fantastic spectacle last year where a gigantic fashion show is going on with 500 accredited journalists were covering it for a full fucking week. If you went there, you'd see the journalists and cameramen fighting for space threatening to hit each other - "this is my space" - because they need to get the girl coming down in their clothes at just the right angle.  512 journalists covering a fashion week !!! The percentage of people using designer clothes, according to the industry … according to the industry … is something like 0.2% to 1%. You had 512 journalists to cover that. It's not the journalists' fault. It's what their media wants.

In the area that Nagpur is the main city, more than 5000 farmers have committed suicide in the last 6 years. According to the Government of Maharashtra, 1520 committed  in the year 2006 alone. In just one year 1520 committed suicide - you work out how many per how many hours that is.  Those 1520 farmers who committed suicide, the cotton farmers. Don't you think that’s news?  While the fashion show shows models displaying cotton garments. The guys who grow the cotton are killing themselves one hour away - not just guys, the guys and the girls the  husbands and wives and daughters and sons are killing themselves because the price of cotton has been destroyed by Indian government on one hand and American and European Union subsidies on the other hand.

We do not have a single correspondent in the national press whose full-time job it is to cover poverty in the country which has the largest number of poor people in the planet …

[Please watch the complete video. This man's a goddamn hero]

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Silly Points : Episode 8

A selective compilation from the desk of "EVIL TWIN" ...

AN ODE TO IDLENESS

Idleness is a funny state of mind. Do you realize that you can never be 100% idle? Same way you can never be 100% bored or 100% happy. The only good news is that we can be 100% pissed off - Thank Lord that at least we got something! That is strange. Isn’t it? Pure idleness is hard to detect. That’s because the moment you realize and start thinking, “Wait a minute … am I idle right now?”, you have destroyed your idleness - your brain has started its analytical process. You cannot be idle anymore. You see the problem ?

CHEWY BUSINESS

I think chewing a gum is too casual and too idle a habit on a planet with problems like “Global Warming” and “Energy Crisis”. I saw clean-shaved people walk into meetings wearing crisp suits and yet, chewing a gum - How can I take this guy seriously even if he is going to deliver a speech on something important like, "The new and upgraded 56 point-plan to end corruption and hunger once for all and for the last time".

Today, as I bought a Trident White pack, I saw that it “removes 35% of stains” 35%???? That’s it? Who aims for 35% and feels happy that they passed? Sounds like one of those rich spoilt brats - “just happy to avoid repeating a whole academic year”. You bet the chewing gum companies are kind of rich bling-blingin’. The worldwide chewing gum industry in 2006 is estimated to be worth $19 billion in sales (Source: Wikipedia)

If any of those ads are to be believed, people need the gum to hide their disgusting breath - ah, that’s great … yet another fine habit to mask, distort, ignore and deny reality by us humans. I know what you are going to say now: “Hey !!! the same logic goes for clothes - that people wear them to hide their ugly bodies. What’s wrong with that? ” Yes. You may be right. Thank God for clothes. I may not have a logic here but hey … I googled “Chewing Gum industry” today. Did you?

THE SHARETOWN EXPERIENCE

Imagine you meet a new person and you get to chat with him. Soon, something like the following is bound to take place:

Person: So, where are you from?

You : Well, I am from __________ .

Person: Hey, you know what. I have been your place a couple of times when I was a kid. ‘t was long time back. Of course, it must have changed a lot now.

You: Why !!! I can’t believe you did. That’s mighty impressive …

Occasionally, if the person hasn’t been to your hometown, he would recollect the closest place he’s visited - then, it won’t even matter if you were in your hometown at that time. What’s even more queer is that sometimes, to avoid the complication of explaining where the small town I hail from is located, I just pick the biggest city in my state. And then, he’d pick the nearest place he had ever been to that city to successfully establish that the closest we have ever been 15 years ago was about 600 kilometers apart.

Why is that? Why do our brains try to seek and celebrate the slighest of shared experiences with others ?

INCOME INEQUALITY & INCONSISTENT ELATION

Hellooooooo …. I frankly do not understand people who get excited when the economy is doing good. If the economy is growing, just check who’s having a good time:

• Acc. to Wikipedia, the richest 1% of adults alone owned 40% of global assets in the year 2000, and that the richest 10% of adults accounted for 85% of the world total.

• In the USA, the top 10% possess 80% of all financial assets [and] the bottom 90% holding only 20% of all financial wealth.

• In India, 53% of the wealth is in the hands of top 10%  and 92% in hands of top 50% … which is way better than USA but … 41.6% of us earn <$1.25 a day …

So, what’s all the euphoria about? I mean, how the hell does it matter to you? You and I are not even the meaningful part of any economy. I have listed the three regions I care about : India, USA and the world. But, I am pretty sure, if you are reading this blog, you are probably economically insignificant in your region …

Can you believe that some people base their entire voting decisions based on the GDP growth rate as if the political party is to be blamed for it? What is the need for celebrating that our boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss got a little more richer?

TOPSY-TURVY

EVERYTHING’S RELATIVE … Suppose we lived in the world where the faces are to be covered and the genitalia is out in the open, a whole lot of male humor would be just a bunch of dirty jokes about the face particularly over the acne, pimples and nose-hairs - Got that? !!!


Lastly, some of the thoughts that keep me busy during my restroom visits ...

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