Saturday, January 22, 2011

 If you are thinking "Ah! here's yet another blogger who is ridiculing the new developments in the Zodiac", you may be right !!!

Last week spelled a disaster for a very popular industry worldwide. Yes, the daily horoscope column in the local newspaper suffered a huge set back on it's authenticity when an astronomy teacher from Minnesota told us that there is a urgent need for a 13th sun-sign. Experts say that this burgeoning industry even recently celebrated reaching the $1000/year mark before this pitiful news raised new questions on the veracity of the predictions.

For quite some years now, people who cared about the constellations on their birthday night sky instead of their on-going birthday party inside were being profoundly disappointed as their Sun-sign constellations were nowhere to be seen. For example, if you are a Virgo, ideally you ought to be seeing The Virgo as the most prominent constellation on your birthday night. However, you would have seen The Leo instead. Suddenly, this guy some Parke Kunkle from Minnesota Planetarium thinks that it’s about time the branch of astrology meets the rigorous demands of modern science. He explained that
"Babylonian zodiac periods were established millennia ago, the moon’s gravitational pull has made the Earth “wobble” around its axis in a process called precession. That has created about a one-month bump in the stars’ alignment". 
So, it seems that between November 30 and December 17  could be a new Sun-Sign named "Ophiuchus" because that's brightest constellation during that time and rest of the zodiac be adjusted so that people can see their correct constellation on their birthdays. So, the sun-signs are all haphazard now - all because this guy's  computer can display the second decimal place. Just what we wanted.

I hope none of you are taking this guy seriously.
There are many reasons why 12 is a good number. First of all, it's neat math. Ok? 360 degrees in a circle; 360 = 30 x 12, implying that the sun traces 30 degrees in each Sun-Sign, approximately a degree a day and one Sun-Sign a month. Can YOU divide a circle that well when you have 13 sun-signs, MR. SCIENCE GUY? Also, 12 = 3 x 4; 4 Elements - Earth, Fire, Wind, Water -  with 3 sun-signs in each. Again, this neat multiplication helps in pairing the signs together for romantic compatibility i.e. Fire and Air get cozy a lot smoothly ; Earth and Water keep having a thing for each other from time-to-time. The whole goddamn structure breaks down if there is a odd number. Every Sun-sign had someone to hang out with. Number 13 ruins that dynamic completely. No prizes for guessing which sun-sign by the virtue of their very name will be left out, in case someone has to get hacked. Virgo - The Virgin!!! - Aargh!!! That's me. Also, every 5th grade kid and even the ones with a PhD in Applied Math will tell you that 13 is a goddamn, ill-fated prime number. Prime numbers are the most selfish of all numbers - you just can't break 'em up !!! Also, this trait of prime numbers are used extensively in something called "Public Key Cryptography" which is the technology behind credit cards among other things. So, prime numbers are being used to steal your money. Worry about that first.

So, let's admit that the 13th sun-sign is a dumb idea to begin with. There was a mathematically-neat, aesthetically-symmetric and a romantically-compliant system. What more do you want? Just when you thought we had a nice, friendly system in place that everyone is satisfied about, you can always count one of those scientist fellas strutting with their hand-held calculators to come and ruin everything. History teaches us that scientists have always been at the forefront as the public enemy #1 when it comes to upsetting a beautiful intuitive concept - they successfully ruined our concepts of God, the Solar System, the Universe, the evolution of life on earth, the space-time and many more. What next? Proclaiming that humans are endangering the planet by emitting too many green house gases? Starting with Copernicus and his Heliocentric ridiculousness, legions of scientists made it their life time preoccupation to dispel myths and destroy the beautiful mental images of creatures and super-powers we decorated our inner heavens with.

My dear Astronomers,

Stop worrying about astrologers. Do your calculations and go home. We know it's an approximate system and we have things under control. In fact, your anxiety about seeing the correct stars on birthdays is a sign that your Jupiter is very upset that your Moon is flirting with his girlfriend. Be careful about that !!!

Sincerely,
[click on link]

But folks, fear not and beware. Most of the daily horoscopes in newspapers seem too vague and too confident. When they predict something like, "You will be the center of attraction today" - doesn't it sound suspicious that it could be 100% made-up? How does he know that I even have plans to get out my bed today? Often, they tend to be too impersonal and too generic. Hence, we at FLAWSOPHY created the daily horoscope that is best suited, especially for you. This one will never ever go wrong. It's a challenge. Check below what plans your stars have in mind for you:



Have a nice day !!!

8 comments :

... said...

Do you really think .. all Virgos with remain (virgo = virgin) just because they add a new sign... If so .. GET HELP! :P

Sash! said...

seriously? that's all you saw ... from this whole thing ??? :P

g2 said...

The predictions are awesome!

Krishna said...

I like reading news through the eyes of a satirist. The spice makes the otherwise bland and the smelly, palatable - for the moment - I am happy that the world has more Jon Stewarts, in store. !

Sash! said...

@ Krishna : Thanks so much for the comment ... (Well ... The genius of Jon Stewart has been a huge inspiration for me ... )

... said...

Yep! :) The entire post screams of how you may not have a romantic compatibility because of the prime odd number issue :P

But jokes apart, a good take on absurd beliefs and half-witted assumptions about astronomy and astrology!

Purba said...

Flawsophy your philosophy is far from flowed. Loved your predictions.

Sash! said...

@ ...: OH!! COME ON !!! not the entire post, just the two lines ... Goodness gracious ... it's amusing that we see what we wanna see ... a blog would the last place for me to confess about my insecurities ... :)

@ Purba : thanks for all the encouragement ... :)

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