Friday, September 03, 2010

It has been brought to my attention from reliable sources, that the confusion surrounding various classes of Vegetarianism is surmounting. People are unable to decide what it means anymore. Thanks your stars, for today I am in a benevolent mood and I have resolved to  help make a difference in the world around me. So, I offer to step forward to clear the confusion; to help the  general public sift through these impostors that are posing as vegetarians. Dear fellow social beings, it shall be proven that there is only one true kind of vegetarianism and we will bust the entire fake racket in a short while.

Let's face it that this internet age has made everyone unbearably smart. Everyone has an opinion; no one takes anyone's word for  anything and everyone has to Google and verify! Henceforth, I would first like to prove my authenticity. I come from a country where 80% of food is vegetarian. I have  been brought up in a completely vegetarian household and not surprisingly, I still belong to the same household and it's  been 27 years. So, I know "Vegetarian". Once for all, I would like to propose a socially acceptable definition for the same. What the hell , anyway?  Newton got his laws by being the first to state them formally. So can I.

I am  already sensing some skepticism already in form of  "woow … wooow … but doesn't milk come from  cows?". Hey smarty pants, yes! I am adding milk because my mom did not let me go to school or go to  play till I gulped down my allocated full glass of milk everyday of my school life. OK? It's been a part of my  system for years and Did we not agree upon me making ALL the rules here?

Moving on. Any deviations from the aforementioned definition are fake and they ought to be ostracized  from our community. Some of the important deviations are presented below:

Let's rescue the vegetarian community from the following aliens:

PESCATARIANS - A fish is NOT a vegetable - the main reason being it can move on it's own! Moreover, I have a feeling that these insecure blokes are just in it to proclaim loudly that they are not eating meat any more. Remember, they are the only type to have a wiki page that has a list of celebrity cult members : 
EGGETARIANS - "You are eating a potential life. Out you go!!! " (However, egg-substitute consumers can reapply but only after answering the question, "Why the hell am I eating such crap?")

VEGANS - Urban, snobbish and fat-pursed - A complete embarrassment as  these self-important people think they are carrying the burden of the sins of humankind for all the murder we do in the name of food. Getting inspired by PETA for the naked chicks doesn't impress me. Food is meant to be healthy and enjoyed. Soya products suck. "Sometimes, the road less taken is less taken for a reason" - Seinfeld. (If you are really allergic to milk, you are advised to disengage yourself from this group and consult a local physician).

I have excluded the "Only Organic" planet-savers, because they deserve a complete post. And now for the last catagory - the SEMI-VEGETARIANS. Look at their amusing definition :

"Semi-vegetarian  diets consist largely of vegetarian foods, but may include fish or poultry, or other meats on an infrequent basis. Those with diets containing fish or poultry may define "meat" only as mammalian flesh and may identify with vegetarianism." (Source - Wikipedia)

Just no principles. No rules. Just want to do anything they like and want to belong to the group. Nice try, semi-vegetarians
. Take your existential crap elsewhere. I have, for long, had a problem with the prefix "Semi-" used to indicate "incomplete" as in semi-literate,  semi-formal, semi-touch, semi-pro, semi-automatic, semi-hard etc. It always sounded like it was invented  by someone terrible at math. Semi- means 'half'. Folks, take my word for I am pursuing a PhD in Engineering - Unless two of  those semi-'objects' make a full 'object', you can't technically call it a "semi-". I am rejecting the  application even for "Semi-final" because two of them together are not equal to a final !!! There's your  bonus Math lesson.

In conclusion, we should totally reject these arrogant identity seekers who think they are doing a service to the animal kingdom by doing as they please and completely ruining the context and the meaning of our way of life. Jeez, what do they think this all is. Some kind of religion ???

P.S. I eat egg from time-to-time. Once again, these are my rules and my wish.
(Special Thanks to G2

UPDATE : Just in case you feel that this post aims at promoting vegetarianism, please recheck your opinion. This is aimed at clarifying that either you are a vegetarian or (hmm ... what's the opposite ... yeah ...) a non-vegetarian. No hanging around others' property please ...


Purba said...

I love my veggies but having them seven days a week gets boring.

Nikhil Bhagia said...

before my comment, it showed, "1 *comments*", to save you from that english blooper, here's my comment ! :P
A good read,.....i've been enjoying G2's post till now, & henceforth, i've added 1 more to my subscription list !

sash! said...

@ Purba : OH NO, I am not promoting vegetarianism ... i would never do that ... It's just there is no mid-way ...

@Nikhil Bhagia : Thanks so much for your support ...

Arti said...

Thanks for the detailed explanation...
I think I can now differentiate between the two classes!

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