The Porn Metaphor

PROLOGUE

Ladies and Gentleman, I have to tell you that I am disgusted and offended having heard what happened at the Karnataka state assembly. First, the guy was caught watching porn, which is OK, I guess. Second, he resigns? Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on ? 

 

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So, the guy's having a little entertainment in the middle of work. BIG GODDAMN LOSS IN PRODUCTIVITY FOR THE NATION. If any of news bulletins over the last few years can be believed, we should be relieved that a politician is taking a break from his work ... taking a break from scamming the public a little more - may be, the country saved a couple of million rupees because three politicians were not concentrating for 5 minutes. Who knows? Also, what's so fascinating about an assembly proceeding that you can't miss it for 5 minutes. Instead of watching and listening to a bunch of fat politicians ram their chee-chees everyday into our virgin country's chaa-chaa, our hero was watching the same manifestation of this general idea in more visually striking format - PORN. To me, the guy's act was poetic and a befitting symbolism of what's happening every day in the country. Instead of witnessing our country's economy and people being screwed in the most explicit and vulgar fashion, he chose to watch a video idolizing the same core essence. Big deal. Technically, the politician was still on the job. To all those pretentious urban middle class people with gifted abilities to enjoy large amounts of small talk, the politician might be a sick personality but I am willing to generously grant the accused a benefit of doubt because he got the metaphor better than anyone.

Another point. It's after all his cell phone. He owns that piece of crap. What he does with it is his business, at the end of the day. Isn't it? Suppose, he was tracking the stock-market or catching up on cricket scores or just reading a text from his wife not to forget 3 kgs of fresh tomatoes on the way back from work. Would we still behave the same ridiculous way ? No, it's not even news then. I am beginning to worry that the double standard is somehow because we got "porn" in the story. In fact, if all these so-called moralistic, decent, gentile class are so concerned about a politician's productivity in the assembly, they should demand outlawing the smart phones. Because nothing distracts and screws up your attention at work like a smartphone. I am confident that if you own a smartphone these days, you have a permanent incurable medical condition of poor presence of mind, addiction to instantaneous gratification and an overall self-confidence of an enslaved consumer zombie. Henceforth, I say, beat it !!!

The thing that really beats me is that he had to resign because according to the Chief Minister, "nothing that went against Indian culture would be tolerated". Ok, folks, I am not even trying to analyze a statement that's so full of hypocrisy masquerading as spectacular bull-crap. Honestly, don't you agree that there are worse things a politician can do than watching dirty videos - like lying ... or deceit … or participating in the assembly proceedings and carving out an economic policy that strangles poor people of decent standards of living ? In an age when we are finding it hard to remove people from the office even after strong evidence of them being involved in burning economic holes larger than our Milky-way galaxy's rear, this guy is out on his all-horny ass in a jiffy ... Tch Tch. I really hoped that our nation would display a sense of humor, poetry, reality and perspective on this issue but I must say that we simply blew our chance to look cool.

THE REAL METAPHOR

Have you wondered how porn represents the ultimate metaphor for "completely forgetting the context". Humankind's relationship to porn magnificently captures our instinctive response to any titillation which removes us from the reality of our experience at that instant. Just the same way when a young boy's mind exclaims "OMG !!! She took her top off … " and his body proceeds to act out the natural hormonal rhythms of that simplified thought, the media today behaves exactly like that, rushing with cameras and running wild with a story completely devoid of context after a simple news-event like "OMG !!! A politician is watching porn … ". The context of why the woman had to take her top off is hardly of any relevance anymore … That's what porn is all about - provoking reactions to the events rather than the processes. Welcome to the 21st century media.

Have you ever wondered about this kind of stuff? I just did.

Good day !!!

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[EVIL TWIN] did youtube do this to you ever ?

from the desk of evil twin ...

You are sitting in your office cubicle engrossed in work busy typing away something that would eventually increase someone’s carbon foot-print as a result. Suddenly, the person in the next cubicle starts laughing all of a sudden in a loud, uncontrollable, characteristic duck-like quack. It turns out that he was watching some funny video on youtube and refused to instinctively remember his spatial (“place”) and temporal (“time”) context, that’s all - no emergency. And you just sit there - feeling a little weird having been conspicuously left out of the experience. Did youtube do this to you?

Similar incidents have been reported of all-of-a-sudden swearing, unprovoked slamming on the desk, uninvited aggression on office supplies and very often,  non-grammy award winning singing performances (seriously? you thought you could pull off “When the Levee Breaks” like Robert Plant while wearing a formal shirt ?) … all out of the blue and out to challenge the silent boredom of an office teamwork environment.

More evil-twin material at flawsophy's evil twin page.

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Are you a video junkie ?

I was at the airport terminal the other day. The flight passengers are slowly emerging one-by-one soon after the immigration and customs desk. I am just waiting right outside the door in the lobby. There was another desi couple waiting as well. Soon a desi family - a lady, her husband and a small kid emerge as the automatic door opens and this waiting lady rushes to hug and greet them. She is all smiles and happy to see her visitors from home. Now, the guy (of the waiting couple) seems to share none of that kind of excitement but instead decides at the moment to be an unofficial Alfred Hitchcock of the family. So, he is standing way behind, trying to record the whole thing using his iPhone.  To get a better view, he moved so far that he and I, at one point of time, are actually equidistant from the just landed family's luggage trolley. And he is recording the whole spectacle while his wife is prancing with euphoria. And now, he is irritably asking his wife to settle down because she is moving way too fast for the frame rate of a standard iPhone camera. Now, he is directing her to come closer, turn towards him and pose, you know, all that kind of stuff.

And I am just sitting there with my mouth wide open, trying to comprehend what is happening: Here's actually a guy who instead of participating in the pleasant ritual of cordially welcoming your guest is impulsively trying to record the reactions on the faces of his wife and his just landed guests after a 28-hr flight.

Question: What is one obvious thing you can say about the guests? 

Answer: They are not his relatives. They are his wife's relatives.

Moving on … Seriously, what can one possibly do with a video like that ? I wonder how many times this video is going to be played. Who is going to watch a video of your relatives coming through a rectangular hole in the wall - not a space shuttle door, just a normal automatic door in an airport lobby. What information could this video hold even 10 minutes later? Yet, it is saved in the memory disk of that man's phone for eternity. You know, if the whole humanity is wiped out because of an alien attack and somehow, his iPhone is the only phone that survives and aliens catch hold of it. And then, they see this video. And, if my intuition can be trusted, his phone is going to be full of videos like that. What are those magnificent aliens, those inter-galactic super-organisms going to think? They would think mankind considered walking through a door an achievement. And, as the readers of this blog very well know, walking is certainly not an achievement.

Day by day, people are eking through life irresponsibly, not worrying about the legacy they are going to leave behind.  You see, this kind of thought bothers me on days when it's too cloudy.

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New Year and the Law of Large Numbers

Folks, lets cut to the chase. I present to you a simple question: How was your 2011? Do you rate it as :

1. Below average
2. Average

3. Above average

If you want me wish you a happy 2012, it means I also have to wish you a crappy 2011. According to the holy laws of probability, The LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS indicates that if you had a "below average year" in 2011, there is a very good chance (probability = 67%) that you will have an above average year soon so that the average is maintained. So, if you are going through a lean (below average) period, soon things have to get better soon hopefully in the next year just for the sake of the average, if not for you (It's not personal ... It's math !!!). Now, did you have a bad 2011? If so, no amount of bittersweet love from certain someone can stop you from a wonderful 2012. So, rock away, all-my-dear-friends-who-had-had-an-utterly-forgettable-2011. But, if you think, 2011 was awesome and wonderful or according to the vocabulary of the sacred texts of probability, "above average" - you might have to curb your enthusiasm soon. Now, don't complain for it has to even out, after all.

(You are free to pounce upon me for this ridiculous logic. Take it away, nerds)

While on some rational days, I let mathematics decide how my days and years are going to be but, there is this creative side to me ... the dark side, if you will … a side which perceives the dimension of time as a relative phenomena like a non-linear arrow whirring alongside the emotional quality of my life experiences … it races when I am having a good laugh; it is reluctant to budge when I have to write my PhD thesis and refuses to go back when I jump a traffic signal and the cop catches me … I seem feeble to control time now … it is refusing to commit to a mere calendar … it's taking over me now … I feel weak. And vulnerable …  I don't believe the New Year actually. Oh! DO NOT get me wrong. It's not that I don't consider new year worth celebrating - I leave that debate to other pseudo-intellectuals. It's just that, deep down, I don't feel it's the new year yet. And, at this moment, I don't prefer to get my truth from your lame calenders, thanks to my artistic sensibilities. In the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, lurk the ghosts and shadows of all years gone by. In fact, It took me a long time to accept 2011 and guess what, I still have some hangovers of 1995 - when I am now quietly sneaking out the house from the hind bathroom door to play street-side cricket having surreptitiously placed my dismal 7th grade quarterly exam progress report  to be attested by my parents, not wanting  to ruin a good day's game just because I bombed in the insignificant geography exam ...

I guess somethings are going to get only worse like we had Walmart introduce a line of anti-aging makeup cream for 8-year olds but some things will remain exactly the same like Carbon will remain the sluttiest element of the periodic table and will continue to do interesting and entertaining things with it's BFF (Best Friends Forever) - Hydrogen.

FLAWSOPHY personally wishes you (pick any three but mix-n-match as you please) a {wonderful; romantic; handsome; prosperous; peaceful; godly; wet; gifted; adventurous; horny; demystifying; lucky; jus'safe-&-sound(if you are aiming low)} … HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

Cheers.

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A Dick-tator's Dilemma

PROLOGUE:

North Korean legend has it that Kim Jong Il was born on Mount Paekdu, one of Korea's most cherished sites, in 1942, a birth heralded in the heavens by a pair of rainbows and a brilliant new star.

He died on 17th December, 2011 while riding a train.

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You do realize that the son of the just dead North Korean dictator has no choice but to be a crazy lunatic. Don't you? Let me put forth my usual flawless logic to prove the same.

1. If he has the slightest humanity, that slight weakness of compassion and holds back the crazy, there are enough people pissed  off with his dad that he is going to be right away pounced upon, overturned by some disgruntled cook in the military canteen or worse, bumped off. So, he cannot hold back the oppression or start being a normal human without let going off his power or the way of life.

2. He can try being a nice guy, install democracy and beg forgiveness from people but that's like shocking the system. Any country must have a transition. The people aren't even trained to deal with reality at the moment let alone govern themselves.  That's like locking a bunch of monkeys with typewriters to put together a Shakespearean sonnet in one night - the last time we tried it, the room required a lot of cleaning just because of what the monkeys ate. The idea is just suicidal unless has no problem being a homeless civilian in a South Korean based old age home.

3. The real whack part is that he can't even emulate the tactics of his dad. He is in his late twenties. There are a lot of people who have been watching every move of his dad's  for decades now - sorry dear, the same tricks may not work. Thus, he not only has no choice to be a violent dictator but also has to crank up the crazy in his own creative way. Now, you see what pressure is it to be Kim Jon Un?

It's a point of no return. The ultimate irony of all is that with the kind of legacy his dad left him, he has no option but be a mental dictator killing and starving millions just to maintain his life. Eat that.

You had had to be the nut to win this thing in the first place. FOR THOSE WHO CARE, just refer to the story of how the third son got the throne in the critical elimination round:

Kim Jong-il's former personal chef, Kenji Fujimoto, revealed details regarding Kim Jong-un, with whom he shared a good relationship,stating that he is favored to be his father's successor. Fujimoto also claimed that Jong-un was favored by his father over his elder brother, Kim Jong-chul, reasoning that Jong-chul is too feminine in character, while Jong-un is "exactly like his father". Furthermore Fujimoto stated that "If power is to be handed over then Jong-un is the best for it. He has superb physical gifts, is a big drinker and never admits defeat."

SOURCE WIKIPEDIA  <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Jong-un>

What say?

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The Language of Shopping - Episode 1

1. Friends, it has come to my attention that they are now selling "Vegetarian Eggs".

Now, I don't have my own cooking TV show nor have I ever authored any best-selling cookbooks. But, I can assure you that the concept of "Vegetarian Eggs" is pure grade-AA nonsense. If you take the world's worst botanist and inject illegal amounts of crack into him and then pop the question, even he would find it outrageous to conclude that the egg-shaped object resembles some vegetable family. It is clearly not a vegetable even if God endorses it. Ok?

But, you see the marketing wizards call them "Vegetarian Eggs" because …. hah, hah, hah … they fed the chickens vegetarian feed. Since when did we start caring what our food ate? How the hell is a vegetarian life-style of the chicken whose cloaca popped my egg (That's right, bitches. It's "cloaca" - look it up !!!) supposed to make the egg vegetarian? In fact, Why go only 1 level down? If we go 4 levels down, we are eating earthworms for dessert. I bet that thought is even more comforting.

2. Cell phone companies must stop using logic like, "Talk more to save more". First of all, if I waste all the time doing more small talk with people I am not interested in, when will I earn enough money to afford this ridiculous cell-phone plan to save more later. As you can see, the goddamn thing is already dead-on-arrival. Trust me. There are reports coming in that people are turning to infidelity, making new acquaintances just because they have extra talk-time on their monthly contract. I know it's all good for business but what will happen to the moral compass of our generation if this trend goes out of line? Someone like me needs to step up to question all this.

Talk More to Save More? - When did our criteria for cellphone consumption change from maximizing personal convenience to minimizing call charges per minute?


3. I love the Kohl's store with all their saving coupons but I think they really nailed it in this ad:

In this case, you $15 "Kohl's Cash" for every $50 actual cash you spend. Observe the tagline that says, "THERE IS NO LIMIT TO HOW MUCH YOU CAN EARN". and notice how they have equated "spending for goods" to "earning super-shopper points".  When business interests can courageously imply "SPENDING" by using its very antonym "EARNING", I immediately realize that we are entering an interesting phase in history and I just want to say that I am glad to be alive in this time and age.


EPILOGUE:
If you thought marketing is all about taking fresh horse-manure, sprinkling some glittered perfume on it and then enclosing it in a transparent designer container and charging you for the perfume and the container, you are getting only part of the story. Marketing people want more from you than you thinking that they are full of shit. They are not done with you yet. What they want is you to be tired of thinking that they are full of shit. When you are fed up, when you stop paying attention to their noise, that’s when you start taking them for granted and you start ignoring them. And that's when they can flood you with over-choice. That's when they get away with selling anything. That's when you start shopping without properly processing information. That's when start getting what they want. BINGO-BANGO. (Also refer: "confusopoly")

Keep visiting this section as we unearth more shopping scandals in future episodes.

Finally, a word from our production team (just making it sound official for this obvious marketing ploy) :

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you "Like" us on Facebook and also check out our twin blog - "flawsophy-evil twin edition" for continued enlightenment.

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